2018 Can Just do one.

Well it’s been a while folks, again accept my apologies for this, it wasn’t planned I can assure you all. As many of you know writing this blog is part of my actual course, I could easily just ignore the last few weeks and write about my class work, but I’d be lying as ave done absolute jot. But am not doing that, as I feel it might assist other who have hit the bottom like me by reading my thoughts and feelings.
As someone who has suffered from severe depression many many years ago and nearly lost everything I feel I should write this post, let it all out and show that even the strongest wobble, and it’s not solving anything bubbling away in my head is it. Tbh the past few weeks have been an absolute fucker * Forgive my language, I can’t lie I have honestly felt like I had lost my way. Am used to being metaphorically kicked from all angles on a regular basis, it’s just part of life aint it, but dam sometimes a kick take a good bit longer to recover from than others.
A year on from the passing of my wife’s gran, a person who featured in every part of my life since I was 18 has been tough. The memory’s eating away as xmas drew closer, last year was a blur. No celebrations a numbness across the household. This year had to be better, so we tried to make an effort, a wee shopping trip to London was hastily arranged. I felt sick about missing college, but I was already losing my way a bit mentally. I opted to act like a kid and bunk off instead of just saying I was going ffs (Rolls eyes). I honestly got myself into a panic about course work and wasted a full day before switching off.
Returning home after our trip 1am a freezing house awaited us, dam no heating. As I struggled to work out the issue my son headed to bed for work in the morn, a few seconds later he shouts on his mum and says water is dripping from his light. A mad scramble to move soaking electronics and save what we could, a burst pipe in the loft was the cause. Gutted we actual sat laughing thinking it was just our typical luck, freezing in bed, jackets on as the heating engineer wasn’t coming to the afternoon.
Noo the real boot in the teeth, sadly during my trip away my best doggo friend took ill. After resolving the issues at home, it was apparent a vet visit was needed, Relieved I headed home after he had a wee jag to return next day for a better check-up. Next day arrives and sadly it resulted in my buddy having to leave me, 12 years and 8 mnth he was at my side. And I have seriously struggled every moment since. My haven at home is now empty. MY wife works nights, so he equally kept the other company when we were alone. He had grown up alongside my son from primary to uni. And filled some of the gaps left noo the wee man has such a hectic life schedule. Devastated simples.
I went to college the following day having dogged the week before and I honestly can’t remember a single second of it. I know I foolishly left early, headed home and forgot I was walking into an empty house. I cried and cried and cried till my face hurt. Yip the same guy who argues and fights and can be a serious twat when I want to and am broken by a dog.
On the Wednesday it was class xmas dinner again I felt my previous bunking off meant I had to attend even considering my circumstances, and u know what I was so glad I did. The lassies of the class, all of you kept me going more than anything you all haven’t a clue how much you helped me, the dancing the singing and just joyfulness rubbed right off. The dinner was a weird loving affair with some amazing feedback for everyone. But again, home to emptiness. It’s been a bit crap but hey it could always be worse. Ave allowed myself some down time but it’s vital to pick myself back up.
We have again made best of a shit situation and will rise up, the bells have now rung and it’s a new year. The next few weeks will involve getting my head back down into my course work as we head towards semester 2. I feel I have so much to do so I’ll leave this here. This post was the first step in getting myself back in my work and back on course. And this aint a new year new me pashhhh either because I will still be the same me lol. Still start a fight in an empty room, still wear ma heart on sleeve, still want to be the best, still have ups and downs……
Right troops,
Am offski.