David Eustace set another wee project for us all this week, after a presentation titled Who I am who am I. Tasked with presenting 3 A4 images that flow as a series and represent self portraits featuring my own unimpressive coupon. Confidence I don’t lack but I never truly feel comfortable on the wrong side of the camera, I enjoy catching a glimpse of myself on TV during the weekends football highlights, a fleeting glance hardly a detail to be noted. This is completely different, an opportunity to lay myself metaphorically bare or hide behind a mask and lie….. I have selected the later. Where to start, self-portraiture isn’t my norm, miby the odd selfie but nothing of merit, so off I went in look to inspiration.
Looking towards early representations of the modern style selfie brought me towards Da Vinci’s “portrait of a man in red chalk”. Capturing the tired, aged face of his 60-year-old self, laying bare the undeniable old life weathered face. Maybe a representation of how he felt inside as he looked older than his actual age at drawing. An artistic license that allowed him to show off himself but also in the way he wanted to be seen by others. Old, wise and worldly could be a providing factor.
Moving forward in time I looked towards Monet’s self portrait with a beret, using his skilled brush work his captures an amazing representation of himself. The mixture of light and dark paints combined to produce a masterpiece of tones that sell both the painter and the subject.
Even at this early stage I’m struggling to accept being thrust in front of the camera, I use sports images as a way of displaying part of myself. Its a product of my learning, my practice, my investment in equipment and the hard hours of walking the side-lines. I don’t need my face to be plastered all over the place, I’m a content person who just wants to keep my head down and avoid all seeing eyes. Maybe its my upbringing maybe its part of my life learning and some choices I made in the past. Seen nothing, done nothing, wasn’t me, head down avoid attention. I need to look beyond the basic style self portrait.
As I wanted to showcase the real side of the inner side of my current thinking and feelings I looked towards faceless portraiture, lacking expression it needs skill to sell the story.
With skilled brush stokes like a Monet and splashes of colour Van Gough would display, Artist L.Bouro has produced a faceless portrait the easily displays the subjects feeling and mood, the darkness surrounding them, despair and angst jump from the composition. This appeals to me, my inner turmoil consumes my thinking at any given moment, my head often in my hands. this is something I will consider for my own work.
David Bailey was one of the first photographers I had to research when starting college, his black and white photo style using light and shade to hide or showcase parts or areas of the world most famous. A technique he retained in his own self images, the angled light leaving harsh shadows across one side of his head, taking hint of Rembrandts triangle and adding his own touch. Filling the frame he leaves little negative space to loss your attention in. The textures of his scarf fill the foreground while his strong confident stare jumps from the frame.
Not one for jumping in front of the camera I have struggled to find the way I want to express myself so far. In a way Andy Warhol captures an essence of my feeling by using strong colours to mask his appearance as such. The distracting nature of the colours and patterns draw attention towards the subject but also cover him.
(top Image)
Minimalist, something that appeals to me, close crop image captures his wacky hair and sells his personality, the wide range of colours used further strengthens this. The dark background allows his features to pop from the composition. The different toned used across the series all bring out different parts of his face to the viewer as the colours tones spread across the faces features.
(Middle Left Image)
Similar in style to the top image but this time a camouflages textures colour scheme has been overlaid across the face. The strong colours at times drawing the eye away from the features, something that I would rather so myself. I dot like being on open display for judgment. the dark and colours mask some of the insecurity attached.
(Bottom Left Image)
Now something that jumps and catches my eye, the aesthetics producing a feel similar to the movie poster for Scarface. Almost hidden but also on display, pleasing the eye but retaining the privacy I desire in self portraiture.
(bottom Right Image)
Pastel shades and sharply dressed these images carry a passport photograph machine type of feel to them. The smart appearance, confidence on show, the close crop fills the frame with information for the viewer to absorb. Visibly younger than the rest of the images this displays the past Warhol but at that time it was his present.
With my life at present having a dark and muted feel to it, I will look to represent this in my final work. I will look to take aspects of the works of Bailey and Warhol while adding my own touches and details that sell my story of the present me. My past only shaped where I got to today and should not destroy what my future can be. My images will be an attempt to renew myself as I walk an untrodden path with in my life.
Muted Tones
Who I am who am I, 3 small words but the true answer is a collaboration of 40 plus years of successes, failures, highs, lows, wins and losses. A good life, a hard life but life none the less, for the last 20 encompassed by a darkness that almost swallowed me whole. A new beginning and outlook on life with a career to match, behind the camera my sanctuary, away from my inner battles with the outside world.
My world through a viewfinder, the battle of light and dark to achieve a composition mimicking the turmoil once filling my head. It’s always there lurking, awaiting the chance to swallow me again, I know it temporary now, never permanent, but it’s a constant battle I can’t afford to lose. I have carried the weight of a battle lost and felt the pain of the unanswered questions.
Now relieved of the duties that brought me down, the darkness still disrupts my world as I find my way again. Muted tones fill my days as the world fly’s past, hazing my feeling and dulling the joys.
Image 1 (consumed) A representation on my inner turmoil, dealing with death, college, life changing events. All a muddle of thoughts I must sort through at this present moment.
Image 2 (Emerging from the shadows) Choose to show myself but still I keep much in reserve, popping out to do what I have to then at times slinking back to the shade. Brightness on one side, the side the world see’s the other is how I feel inside.
Image 3 (A sombre me) The Dad, the professional, a husband, son and brother. Keep my head up and carry on. A smile at times still a far-off struggle. A graduation minus a special guest the final twist of the knife.
Craig Murray Photography 